


Maybe...

by buttercreambeans



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Always Keep Fighting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Comforting Dean, Cussing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Love, Romance, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 14:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7719241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttercreambeans/pseuds/buttercreambeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reader is Dean's girlfriend and doesn't feel comfortable in her own body/skin. She has been fighting her own demons for years and hurting herself without Sam or Dean knowing, until Dean finds a note that could change everything.</p><p>PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe...

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE do not read if you are easily triggered. I do not support self harm in any way, nor am I promoting it. 
> 
> Please remember you are all loved and beautiful people inside and out. ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING!

It was days like these where you were at your darkest, days where Sam and Dean were out hunting while you were left behind at the Bunker. 

Maybe they thought you were useless because you didn't know much about hunting...

Were you that much of a burden to them? 

You let out a sob as you drag the razor against your wrist, blood falling into your bathroom sink as a new cut formed.

You let your dark thoughts take a hold of you again as you made another cut right below the one you just made.

How could Dean love someone like you? You're broken, weak, you don't know crap about hunting, you did nothing but follow the Winchesters across the country...maybe it would be better if you weren't in their lives, right? 

You slowly brought your eyes to your face in the mirror. 

How pathetic, you thought to yourself. You look back down to your bloody wrist and decide you’re satisfied with what you've done to yourself for today. 

With shaky legs, you walk back into your bedroom, your shoulders slumped and head down. 

As you throw back the covers on the bed, you receive a text from none other than your boyfriend, Dean.

'Hey, baby. Just wanted to let you know, Sammy and I are on our way. You want any food?'

Of course, you thought, scoffing. He thinks you’re fat. Why wouldn't he? You didn't have the body like most girls he would go after.

Sighing, you text him back.

'I'm good. I'm not really hungry. Just hurry back home, okay?'

Maybe that's one of the reasons he didn't love you genuinely too. You're always so demanding and impatient. How annoying...

A tear rolls down your cheek and lands on the bedsheet. You start to tremble as more tears fall. You lean back against the bed's headboard, bringing your knees to your chest. 

A thought pops up into your head. 

You should just end the pain. Right here. Right now...

"Of course..." You said hoarsely to yourself.

You have thought about suicide before, but you never really considered actually doing it. The farthest you've ever gone was cutting. 

"This is the easy way out. This is for the best," You encouraged yourself. "You're not being selfish, (Y/N), do this for Sam and Dean...they wouldn't miss you anyways." 

With all the strength, you have left, you push yourself off of the bed, striding over to your desk.

You grab a piece of paper and start writing. 

This is for the best, you repeat to yourself over and over. Don't be a coward this time, you think. 

Minutes after composing your little note to Dean, you dress out of your pajamas and into jeans with a plain shirt - one of Dean's shirts.

You read over the letter for the last time.

Are you really going to do this? You asked yourself. 

You really aren't going to back out now, are you? 

With a frustrated sigh, you yell out in frustration. You begin to wreck things in your room, throwing down the pictures hanging on the walls and throwing clothes out of your closet. 

A sob escapes your lips as you let your knees buckle from underneath you, falling onto the cold floor of your messy room. You cradle your head in your hands and begin to rock back and forth. That usually helps you, sometimes Dean would hold you in his arms and rock you back and forth like a child.

Maybe that's what he sees you as...a child.

Your head shot up and your eyes went wide as you hear a door slam in the Bunker.

"(Y/N), sweetheart, we're home!" Dean's voice and footsteps rang through the halls 

You're practically frozen, do something! But no, your body betrays you and before you could actually do something, the door to your room opens.

"Hey, we decid -," Dean cuts himself off when he sees you and your room. "Baby, what happened?" Dean rushes to your side, he kneels on the floor and takes your wrists in his hands.

You yelp in pain, remembering your recent cuts. Dean notices your discomfort and looks down at your wrists, seeing the blood trail down and onto the floor.

"Dean, I -," You couldn't find words. What could you say? Your boyfriend just discovered your secret, your darkest, most painful secret.

"Did you do this to yourself?" He asks in a soft, shaky voice.

Great, now he pities you!

"I...I, um," You feel your throat tighten, "I just...I broke a vase and...and I accidentally...cut...m-myself." 

You're such a bad liar, you think to yourself, but then you remember...

Your suicide note...

Stupidly, your eyes dart over to where you left it. Dean notices this action and his eyes follow yours to where the note lays on the desk.

Instantly, Dean stands up and you stand up too, but Dean beats you to it and once you blink, he's already reading your note. 

"Dear Dean..." He starts, tears already forming in his eyes. "I guess this is for the best...I'm a burden to you and Sam, I don't even know why you let me stay with you. I'm useless. I have no reason to live. No one cares about me. No one actually loves me. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without crying...How could someone like you say you love someone like me? What is there to love? I see how things are, Dean. There's no shame in hiding it from me. You always leave me behind because I'm useless, disgusting, and don't know shit. Think of this as...a favor. It would be best if I didn't exist..." Dean let out a shaky breath, his wet eyes meeting yours.

He couldn’t even read the rest. He couldn’t because with every word you wrote, it felt like he was getting stabbed. 

"Is this what you think of yourself?" He finally spoke. "You think you're a burden? Disgusting? Stupid? A mess?" Tears roll down both of your faces as he speaks.

"Yes, Dean! Yes, that's what I think of myself! It's true, anyways!" You yell out.

"You're not those awful things, (Y/N)! Don't you ever think that!" He raises his voice with every word.

"Dean, stop lying to me!"

"I'm not fucking lying, baby." He says quietly, but loud enough for you to hear. With a sob, you sit on the bed, covering your red face with your hands. Dean approaches you, sits next to you and wraps his strong arms around your fragile, trembling body. "You...you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the smartest, most beautiful, most amazing woman, I have ever met, (Y/N). Sure, you have your flaws, your imperfections, but we all do, sweetheart. But for me, your flaws are what make you...you. It's what makes you beautiful, okay?"

You nod with a smile, leaning into Dean’s embrace.

He continues, "Hell, I'm not the best damn boyfriend out there, but I will do anything to make you happy. What do you want, baby?"

You let out another sob, you couldn't believe what Dean said. 

You’re beautiful? You're smart? Amazing?

"Dean, I want...you. Just you." You say without thinking. Dean places his hands on both sides of your head, pulling you in to kiss your forehead.

"Don’t ever think that you aren't enough. 'Cause, (Y/N), baby, you are enough and you are loved. Sam and I - Cas too, even if he ain't good with feelings - we love you, okay?" 

You nod at every word because you're beginning to believe that every word that he's saying is true.

You are LOVED.

You are ENOUGH.

And you are PERFECT and AMAZING just the way you are.

"Now, (Y/N)," Dean starts.

"Yeah, Dean?" You ask, finally finding your voice again.

"Can I ask you to do something for me and not just for me, but for yourself too?"

"Of course," You say, reaching up to touch his cheek.

"I want you to always keep fighting, alright? No matter what..." Dean looks deep into your eyes.

"I will." You nod quickly. "I'll fight for myself. For you, too, for Sam, and Cas."

"That's my girl." Dean grins, kissing you quickly on the lips. "I love you."

"I love you too, Dean."

Before you always thought to yourself...

Maybe Dean loves you, maybe Sam does and so does Cas, too.

But now? It wasn't a 'maybe', because it was for real. It was definite. It was true.

Dean genuinely loves you.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a kudos, comment, or both!


End file.
